I’m lost. I’ve got no map and my compass is broken. I’ve probably had (or still have) an iflammation in my heart muscle. Even though EKG and ultrasounds are more or less normal and even the other tests only show minor symptoms, my head knows that my heart’s not okay. There’s no chance for Sports at the moment, but I’ve been testing some lighter excercises instead.
I’m pretty sure that after the lung fever last summer I had this infalammation, too, and that’s why it took so long to recover. We checked out everything then, too, and we found nothing. The symptoms, which weren’t maybe as clear as now, were there but went away step by step and finally I was well again. For some reason, the symptoms and the inflammation came back after a fever in the autumn. No-one knows why as I didn’t even train when I was ill.
When life gets this complicated, you start to wonder. You start to think of the things you want to achieve in life. Basically, I’ve been really lucky to get almost everything you can get in sports. I’ve been lucky to be able to have a job as an orienteer, which is really extraordinary. However, I’m not finished yet. I still have dreams, goals and hunger. People usually want to do things they’re good at. Things they enjoy and things that make them happy. Sports make me happy and I’m not ready to give it way.
When things start to go towards hell, a wise person would probably give up nd find other sources for happiness. A wise person would try to find life with joy and laughter in those things that are available instead of waiting for those ones that are lost. A wise person would find a new map and a compass that’s not broken and then it would be easier to orienteer again.
But I’m not wise. I don’t want to give up. Even though my so called life in symbiosis with my heart rate monitor tastes like rat ass. I’m not ready to take other route choices. I don’t want them. But I’m not so stupid that I would risk my health. I’ll never want to do something so stupid that would break my heart. It may take long time to recover, but I will do it.
But as long as my heart’s saying no, my head will say it, too. When my heart is ready, my head will know it, too. I’ll just follow the beats of my heart.